By Roman Nokoff
The Internet has been abuzz about a curious new picture that surfaced late last week. Like The Dress and the Yanny or Laurel meltdowns before it, this photo is inspiring some heated water cooler debate. Within seconds of being posted, it went viral (duh!) and now the American people have weighed in on what it is.
In keeping with the divisive nature of our country’s current climate, nobody can seem to agree on it, one way or another.
40% say it’s a picture of a really old tree that’s been cruelly cut down by Eco-terrorists before a woodpecker pecked at its center.
10% believe it is a distorted image created for the cover of the next Nine Inch Nails album, Without Teeth.
Another 40% say it’s just a butthole.
But curiously, social justice warriors believe it is a picture of the wrinkle in time in which we are living and the small shaft of hope promised to us by the extraterrestrial elders of Earth II…a shaft of hope they say is fast closing due to our scarring of the planet.
Here is the image and the odd message which accompanied it on an unverified Instagram account:
The message reads, “Eat it and you’ll never go hungry. Love, The Raspberry Goatee.”
While many in the community are writing this off as just another passing obsession designed to distract from current world affairs, some say it is a death knell. An anonymous day trader told us that his stocks have plummeted in the wake of the image being posted online.
“All my shit ain’t worth shit,” he said. “It’s all going to shit.”
During a man on the street survey, I encountered a junkie outside a bodega who had soiled his trousers and was staring at them forlornly. I showed him the image and asked him what he made of it. All he would say was “It ain’t Yanny or Laurel, it’s Gary! And that’s clearly the dying shaft of light offered to us by the ever-impatient elders.”
I turned to my friends at a local marketing research firm for help and they said that they had collected the opinions of no less than 100,000 people. The results were inconclusive. Chances were largely in favor of it being a tree stump, but some people thought it could be a sign of an imminent extraterrestrial rapture.
Never one to dig my heels in, I decided a more thorough investigation was necessary. After flying 9,497 miles to the remote headquarters of the Wu Institute for Educational Ascension in the rainforest of Borneo, I met with the institute’s Chief Research Director, Mr. Seymour Haze.
The following is a full transcript of our talk.
Roman Nokoff: Pretty perplexing, isn’t it?
Seymour Haze: No, that’s definitely a butthole.
How can you be so sure?
Because I’ve seen one before? Der! [yells to assistant across the room] Is this guy for real?
Why are you so positive? Have you looked at a lot of pictures of buttholes?
[At this point in the interview, our recording equipment registered a noticeable spike in Mr. Haze’s tone of voice. The interview subject grew agitated and defensive]
Whoa! Hey now.
I’m just trying to understand, we’re all trying to understand. What qualifies you to say that this is, in fact, a butthole? Your role at the institute is to research the human anus?
Hey, who’s saying it’s a human? I’m certainly not.
Could you tell the difference if it wasn’t?
I would like to think I could, yeah.
Studied a lot of anuses?
Is that what they pay you for? To look at pictures of anuses all day?
Stop saying anus. Look–
It’s quite alright, Mr. Haze. Our readers would just like to know if you are the world’s leading expert on the opening of the alimentary canal.
What kind of pictures are you looking at, Mr. Haze? I see a lot of windows open on your computer.
Certainly not at work, that’s preposterous!
Well, they can’t all be tree stumps, can they now?
No! They’re not!
I said stop it!
Anus! Anus! Anus!
Okay!! I watch a lot of BangBros videos! I just watched one of pornstar Phoenix Marie, alright?! She was blowing a high heel using only her asshole! Okay?! Jesus! Give me a break! This is a high pressure job! Before you judge me, why don’t you ask the CEO about how he likes large women to choke him out and make fun of his penis! I’m not a bad guy.
Of course you’re not, Mr. Haze. But you are a butthole expert, aren’t you?
[Subject clears his throat and adjusts his lapel. He sits up straight, suddenly mustering a sense of confidence and decorum.]
Yes. Yes, I am. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that this image is one of a human butthole. Judging from the wrinkles, I would place the model’s age between 29 and 34. I also suspect that she recently had her period.
Absolute certainty. This is definitely not a picture of a wrinkle in time or a shaft of hope dwindling before an extraterress–
[Loud, metallic scratching noises and a terrible clatter muffles the distant sound of screaming before the doors are ripped off their hinges.]
GLAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!! FUCK MY LIFE!!! GLARB!!!!!!!
That was the last we ever heard from Mr. Haze and the last the world ever heard of the Butthole Intrigue. The image appears to have been scrubbed from the Internet.
No, it hasn’t. What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
What were we talking about?
I feel calm, I am not at all distressed. Everything is right in the world.
Buy Alien Kum. It’s got 28 amino acids and it’s sick as fuck!
Bob Freville is the co-editor of Silent Motorist Media. A writer and filmmaker from Long Island, NY, he is the author of the urban crime novella “Battering the Stem” (Bizarre Pulp Press), the short story collection “The Network People” (Psychedelic Horror Press) and the political satire “Celebrity Terrorist Sex Bomb” (Bizarro Pulp Press). Freville’s horror-art film “Hemo” is available from Troma Team Releasing. Send him dirty pictures or death threats at: email@example.com