Hipster War Vet Buys Back Penis from NYC Microbrewery

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By Chandler Charrington

Jeremy Skiddish started off his day feeling good-humored and confident. It was this young war  veteran’s 29th birthday and he was happy to be back in Williamsburg with his buds. His girlfriend, Denise, had gifted him an ironic bow tie emblazoned with ironic images of Larry the Cable Guy.

Jeremy was wearing this bow tie proudly as he and his buddies filed into the Downy Pelican Pub on Bedford Ave. As they took their seats and dug into a plate of fried pickles, they had no way of knowing that the second most expensive IPA on the menu contained elements of the penis Jeremy had lost in Iraq.

In 2017, Mr. Skiddish was doing his second tour of Fallujah when an IED hit his platoon. Skiddish had recovered from the incident without any fatal injuries, but while in hospital, his penis and most of his testicles had to be amputated due to infection.

Skiddish, who had always thought of himself as a fancy boy and had aspirations to become a mezzo-soprano in a Brooklyn street choir, took the news in stride. For Jeremy, losing his dick and balls was better than losing the war on terror.

After his honorable discharge from the military, Jeremy returned home to Williamsburg and set about performing open mics with his newfound singing voice. The Downy Pelican was to be the fifth venue that Jeremy performed at and he decided to pre-game with his pals before taking the stage.

That was before Jeremy inquired about the contents of the $14 IPA he had ordered. When asked about the unique flavor profile of the pale ale, the microbrewery’s owner informed Mr. Skiddish that it was made from a blend of rare hops…and a phallus purchased from a VA hospital.

Jeremy made the connection at once.

“That’s my cock,” he was heard to exclaim.

The microbrewer explained that they regularly use exotic items to add flavor and personality to their signature pale ales.

Asked if the experience had colored his opinion of the Downy Pelican, Mr. Skiddish said, “Fuck yeah it has! They’re lit! I can’t wait to come back next week when they add their newest beer to the menu.”

Skiddish went on to say that the Downy Pelican had given him something that the military never had—the chance to suck his own dick.

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