10 Graveyards That Make Us Horny as Hell

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By Raven Laveaux

In a world full of bloviating misogynists and chest-pounding Jesus freaks, there is one place that you can go where everyone will actually just STFU and let you do you. That place is the cemetery.

Some people get all freaked out when they think about these domiciles of the dead, but here at Silent Motorist Media, we understand the essential value of a good graveyard. For starters, where else can a Goth teenager go to drink licorice Schnapps and howl at the moon without some pubic safety official giving them shit?

And what better place to honor our fallen legends than in their final resting places? Surely, it means more to pour one out at Graceland than it would if you dumped out a forty in your own backyard and said, “Big ups, Elvis.”

But more importantly than anything else, graveyard are just so damn sexy. I can think of no other place on earth that is as closely tied to Thanatos than a historic grave site. The following is a list of the 10 hottest graveyards around, each one of them guaranteed to make a night lover feel naughty.

1. Westminster Hall & Burial Ground

Edgar Allan Poe’s final resting place reminds us of where the decadent belong. It also reminds us that ugly men in frumpy attire with dark minds can be beyond delish. Bring a fugly mustachioed 

stranger with you and do the The Tomahawk Man proud.

2. Hollywood Forever Cemetery

There’s nothing quite as romantic as the notion of immortality and Hollywood Forever’s name conjures up images of just that. Here you can dance naked in the night like the horned up vampire that you are. Just don’t be surprised if you get busted on a 314 and face fines or jail time.

3. Old Jewish Cemetery, Prague

I don’t know about you, but I love Jewish men. They’re so clean, so calculating and their faces were made to sit on. If you’re considering a trip abroad, Prague is the place to be and the Old Jewish Cemetery is a great place to meet plaintive people who need a pity fuck.

4. Merry Cemetery

Who says graveyards gotta be all about the gloom and doom? The Merry Cemetery reminds us that cemeteries can be dead sexy and fun as all get out! The name also conjures images of Old St. Nick which is great for girls like me who grew up rubbing one out to thoughts of a big ole bear of a man with rosy cheeks pounding the holy moley outta them beneath a Christmas tree.

5. Graceland

Come for Elvis then cum at the gorgeous sight of this mansion’s magical atmosphere. If you’re not shaking your pelvis by the time you leave then you’re probably a paraplegic because you’re definitely dead below the waist.

6. Sleepy Hollow Cemetery

Where better to get some head than the home of the Headless Horseman? Located right next to the Old Dutch Church’s own burial ground where Washington Irving imagined Ichabod Crane and the terrors besieging this slumbering Upstate, New York town, Sleepy Hollow Cemetery is a definite hot spot for hardcore debauchery if you live on the East coast.

7. Bachelor’s Grove Cemetery

 

Don’t let the name fool you, this columbarium can accommodate swinging couples as well as any sexed up singles. Nestled deep within the woods, this cemetery’s spirits have seen more bacchanalian salaciousness than a custodian at a peep show.

8. Hillside Cemetery

There’s nothing sexy about New Jersey…unless you count this Lyndhurst burial ground which houses pop punk prince Joey Ramone. Bring your leather jacket and your knee pads. Some time in the presence of Joey’s spirit will have you wanting to gag on some D until you gargle “Gabba gabba hey!”

9.  Père Lachaise Cemetery, Paris, France

 

What could be hotter than dry humping your broken hymen away on Jeffrey Hymen’s headstone? Here at this naughty necropolis lies the corpulent corpse of The Doors’ frontman and American poet Jim Morrison and girl, if he says to ride the snake, I’m riding that bitch bareback.

10.  Montparnasse Cemetery, Paris, France

While we’re in France, let’s stop over at Montparnasse, home to existential philosopher Emil Cioran. This Romanian pessimist was also a noted essayists and his brand of staunch anti-natalism makes this baby hater randier than a cane toad on goat weed.

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