By Scott “Boofer” Edgefield
Let’s be real, drugs are dope…but you can only end up in so many K holes before you want a change of pace. Sure, rollin’ on Molly can be lit AF, but euphoria gets pretty boring after awhile.
We here at the Imerominia Viasmos Beta fraternity firmly believe that there’s a time when you’ve gotta just say no. But as we all know, no also means yes. Just ask our house mascot, Pass Out Priscilla.
When you’ve tired of your THC fix and each bong blow ends up seeming more bogus than the last, you don’t have to freak. Just follow our lead and you’ll be turnt up in no time.
Me and my brothers have searched high (super high) and low (lower than a walk of shame) to find the very best prescription drugs to make you totally FUBAR and our findings may surprise you.
As it turns out, you don’t have to go to your dealer or seek out some crunchy chemistry major with a makeshift meth lab in his dorm room. That means you, Jerry.
All you gotta do is visit your grandparents.
That’s right, if you arm yourself with this epic list of old people drugs, you’ll be ripped like you’ve never been ripped before and you won’t even have to pay for it!
Yeah, we all know it’s good for your wood, but did you know that your grandpappy’s boner meds can actually blow your mind like a sheet of old-fashioned blotter? Just pop three of these bad boys in one sitting and you’ll be seeing blue orbs and tweaking like a toothless Skittlehead.
With a proper clutch of cock meds, your face will be more flushed than a randy noob at his first rave. If your back locks up, your stomach gets sour and you start to experience muscle pain, you’ve probably done too much. The nausea and pain may start to get intense, so you should probably eat one of grandma’s Oxycontin for good measure.
The geriatrics take this one to manage their cholesterol which might seem like an old people problem, but let’s be honest. Between weekly keggers and those sliders you wolf down in the school mess hall, your lard ass could use some Zocor before you land in a zoo…or an ER.
If you’re anything like me and my boys, you probably think confusion is hilarious. The next time you’re thinking about strapping on a gas mask or stepping into a blunt cipher, consider gobbling some Simvastatin and reaching a real fever pitch.
If your skin starts to turn yellow, just embrace it. Hey, you won’t have to bother with face paint on Super Bowl Sunday. You’re already wearing it.
This blood pressure medicine will give you the wobz like a mofo! Take two before hitting the beer bong. You and your buds can take that toga party and turn it into a Bonnaroo-worthy meeting of the Whirling Dervishes.
Don’t be shocked if you end up projectile vomiting on your bro’s chest or shitting your pants. Just make sure your buddies have their iPhones ready cuz this one was meant for Snapchat.
- Panax Ginseng
So, your mee-ma may uses it to treat her arthritis, but did you know that this all-natural herbal supplement can get you more jacked than cocaine? Believe that, yo!
Eat enough of this bad boy and your heart will be beating like a Neil Peart drum solo! Just don’t let Pass Out Priscilla know about this one because it can cause some extreme vaginal bleeding and I don’t know about you, but we call that a real buzzkill.
- St. Johns Wort
Ever wonder exactly when your grandparents went from crotchety old dicks to grinning idiots? St Johns Wort probably has something to do with it. If you can’t afford to fuck with Malcolm, you can chase your antidepressant with a few of these gnarly capsules and your serotonin levels will spike faster than a junkie with a new set of works.
If you start to develop sensitivity to sunlight, you haven’t turned into a vampire. You’ve just been rollin’ with a true saint. Buyer beware: This one can give you some serious whiskey dick, so don’t use it before a house party, lest your manhood be called into question, bruh.
There ya have it! With these elderly alternatives to street drugs, you’ll be more blazed than Ghost Rider, god. Just ask Jerry.
Like and share this post or we’ll have sex with your father and cane your mother.