Is the New SpongeBob News Great, Good or Effin Awful?

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By Zakary McGaha

Reread the title of this article and think about it. Form your own opinion before you read mine.

Now, if you don’t know, the news recently broke that the new SpongeBob SquarePants movie will be a prequel. Upon first hearing this, I was pretty happy, but the more I thought about it, and the more I looked into everything that was disclosed, the more I found myself growing concerned.

First off, we know that the whole movie, or at least a big part of it, will be in CG. That’s not something I’m thrilled about since the show’s simple 2D animation is iconic. However, I have confidence that it can be pulled off and look cool. After all, we should want these movies to take the franchise to places it’s not previously been, and if this change in animation can get across a different Bikini Bottom that will give this movie its own identity, I’m fine with it.

Secondly, we know that it will involve SpongeBob meeting many of the show’s characters for the first time at some sort of summer camp. That’s an odd choice, in my opinion, but it can be made to work.

The fact is, we don’t have enough information about the new prequel to get worked up or excited about it. However, judging from the direction the franchise has been heading recently, I’d say apprehension is healthy.

It is my opinion that the best thing the series ever produced was the first movie: The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (the PS2 game for it was fucking awesome as well). Said film was meant to end the franchise and, thus, its plot was such that the show wouldn’t be able to continue on as usual. Things would have to be radically different…unless, of course, they just blatantly ignored the movie and followed the cash.

Ignore it they did. Multiple seasons aired and, all of a sudden, it was like the movie never happened. Plankton was still trying to get the formula. SpongeBob wasn’t the manager of the second Krusty Krab. Some people, including the original creator, speculated that the new seasons were supposed to take place before the movie, but I doubt that much thought went into it. Maybe someone has said this is DEFINITIVELY the case, but I don’t care, they should have followed things up accordingly.

A good number of the fans, including myself, stopped watching the new stuff, because everything kept getting annoying as hell. “Squidward torture porn” became a term people used to describe a good number of the new episodes.

The days of classics like “Graveyard Shift” and the Rock Bottom one were gone. To many of us, the only “real” SpongeBob franchise consisted of the first three seasons, the movie, and maybe a couple new episodes here or there. All the other stuff was just too different.

Then, in 2015, something unexpected happened: they made a new movie.

I remember being excited. Was it going to explain the timeline issue? Was it going to be an actual sequel to the first movie?

Nope! It was essentially a movie-length episode that would fit right in with the new seasons. It was a disaster…but not financially. It made a ton of money, so the likelihood of more movies was pretty high

And here we find ourselves in November of 2018, receiving news of the latest installment.

I predict that this movie will follow in the footsteps of the sequel rather than the O.G. movie. They’ll throw in weird, stupid humor to please the totally rad kids, and all semblance of a story (or a cannon for the franchise that makes sense) will be thrown out the window. You’re probably thinking, “Why are you expecting so much out of a kid’s show?” My answer: I’m not expecting that much, and it’s not just any kid’s show!

My generation holds SpongeBob dear because he was our hero. We don’t like seeing the show butchered beyond recognition in order to appease the new demographic which is apparently dumber than Patrick, collectively.

We understand that the franchise is mainstream, so it’s completely dominated by cash flows, but how was the show able to be so good in the past when it was still all about the money to the studio?

At this point, I’m pretty weary. More weary than Gary.

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