By Jeff Goldwoolf
Silent Motorist’s social networking expert Jeff Goldwoolf is joining us to let you good people in on a tightly kept secret: posting about how you voted will make everyone pretend to like you!!!
No matter which side of the political aisle Google and Facebook algorithms tell you you’re on, proclaiming that you did, indeed, go back to high school (like a fucking loser) to cast your vote for people who actively want to enslave your mind will, with 100% surety, get social media peeps to pretend they like you and that they’ve always found your political opinions interesting.
College student Sam Porker told Silent Motorist reporters who snuck into his gated private college yesterday: “You know, I didn’t really have that many friends here. I mean, I’m friends with well over half the student body on social media, but no one has ever acknowledged any of the stuff I choose to share with the world.
“That all changed when I posted a picture of myself holding my thumbs in the air with an ‘I Voted’ sticker on my breast pocket! I got over two-hundred likes and shares!”
His sympathies were echoed across the usually dull, lifeless campus: gigantic tents and banners about voting were set up everywhere, and speakers were blaring pop music left and right. Despite the loud music, we were able to ask many students the same questions, and they shared their sympathies with Sam Porker.
Outside social media, people are also feeling the togetherness of the elections.
Mrs. Simpletooth, chair of the Fuck Your Mama department, said, “I couldn’t even grade tests the music was so loud, and it was FANTASTIC! It’s good to take a break from the monotony of quizzes and lectures and just let loose and pretend that we’re all in this together. I mean, this is the last time I don’t have to unconditionally hate one half of the country and love the other. We’re all just practicing our democracy right now. No strings attached.”