By Bob Freville
Has “the stranger” become a bit too familiar to seem strange anymore? Do you require a level of advanced stimulation that no vibe or butt plug could ever provide? You are not alone, my perverted pal.
There’s a reason that the French refer to the human orgasm as “la petite mort.” At the end of the day, there is simply no lover more galvanizing than that Grecian bone smuggler, Thanatos. Think of this son of Darkness as a power bottom, only somehow he’s still the one on top.
Confused? You should be. Nobody escapes the greasy clutches of Death, especially not those who tempt him by wrapping a belt around their neck while they burp the worm.
If that hasn’t scared you off then you are probably one of those brave boys or girls who welcomes His gelid embrace with open arms…if not open palms. In which case, I say crack on! Here are some tips for you and your bits.
1. HIDE THE ZUCCHINI
If you’re looking to go out gagging, there’s no method more effective than utilizing nature’s finest as your sexual aid. Just ask the unemployed twenty-something who knocked on his neighbors’ door, seeking assistance after an afternoon bout of making the bald man cry resulted in a zucchini getting wedged in his throat.
According to the official report, “Removal of the trousers showed the penis to be semi-erect; around the base of the penis was a rubber band. On the lower abdomen and in the groin was dried, white coloured material, subsequently identified as semen…Internal examination showed a zucchini impacted in the larynx and oropharynx, totally occluding the airway…”
2. SHOCK TILL YOU DROP
Spark things up with a little electricity; if it’s good enough for that ole lady killer Egidius Schiffer, it should be good enough for you. Schiffer showed the world that his creativity extended far beyond murdering hitchhikers when he removed a cable from a table lamp and wrapped it around his nipples and dick.
[Note: If you survive the same, you’ve totally gotta start a phallus-obsessed punk band called Nipples & Dick.]
Schiffer then stuck the end of the cable into a power socket, thus creating world’s worst weenie roast. When the electrical current flowed through his chest, homeboy had a fatal heart attack. But hey, all great orgasms require great sacrifice and if you don’t believe me, just look at this!
3. IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCSEED, TRY & TRY AGAIN
Sometimes, rubbing one out won’t cut the mustard; some might even say rubbing six out isn’t sufficient. Any artist will tell you that it can take multiple tries before you create a work of genuine perfection.
Don’t be afraid to really get in there and rock out with your cock out till the clock stops ticking. This guy certainly wasn’t when he flogged the bishop until it quite literally fell off. For this brave young man, it took 62 consecutive tries to achieve an orgasm so incredible it blew his baguette clean off.
4. MAXIMUM SUCKAGE
If we’re being honest, we all know you suck, but you know what sucks even harder? A vacuum cleaner. That’s right, don’t be shy, let your freak flag fly. If a 57-year old man can do it, so can you.
If you’re anything like him, the vacuum cleaner won’t be enough, so be sure to take a page from his playbook and bring along a bottle of wine, some pantyhose, several jars of lubricant, a glass of urine and a wooden table leg. Remember, vacuum cleaners can suck, but it’s your prostate that’ll really makes you blow.
Some direct contact with your testis, a couple of knots in those pantyhose and you’re off to see the Wizard.
5. GET THEE BAPTIZED FOR ALL ETERNITY
Not everyone’s satisfied to go out in so simple a fashion as death by household appliance. Some true warrior whackers insist on something far more complex. Consider the case of a 25-year old Canadian man who didn’t settle for the mere risk of drowning while jacking it but rather committed in the most overly complicated way possible.
This colorful cobra charmer met his end at the bottom of a river wearing what was politely described as “homemade diving apparatus.” That’s a euphemism for a hockey helmet, a two-piece snowmobile suit, beige ski boots and a bondage system “joining together the waist, knees, and ankles of the victim was observed with meshed metallic chains and straps and accessories usually used for horseback riding…
“…A section of electrical wire was also used at the knees. The whole bondage device was secured at the pubic region by a padlock, consequently maintaining the victim’s legs tightly joined together…
“Furthermore, a meshed metallic chain was attached to the hockey helmet and straps were also present at each wrist…Under his winter garments, the victim was wrapped in a transparent plastic jumpsuit covering him from head to toe…”
If you don’t consider that dedication, then your dong is in trouble.
Do you have a story about a time when you were pronounced clinically dead from playing Tiddlywinks with Mr. Winky? We’d love to hear it. Drop us a line in the comments below and get us off with how gut-wrenchingly gifted you are.
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