Design by Justin A. Burnett
By Bob Freville
Yes, you’ve heard it your whole life; there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Probably you didn’t think it was true. Well, it certainly is and today we’ll tell you all about how you, too, can achieve domestic nirvana. Not the grunge rock band, the state of mind, that is.
There will be no more mewling, no more torn up couch cushions or soiled welcome mats. These methods are surefire ways to eliminate the scourge that is the household feline.
1. Get High Tech on Her Pussy Ass
Go for the ultimate in irony with the Skinzit Electric Fish Skinner! Just when the braying little ball of fur thinks it’s getting a fresh treat from the ocean, you sneak up behind her with your Skinzit FS1000A and remove her rib bones in two simple steps.
Tell your wife to put the kibosh on that Chinese food delivery ‘cause you just got yourself a feline fillet!
2. The Claw
Too long has her tyrannical reign gone unchecked, but now you can get her back. If she’s given you the paw, you give her the claw. The ForEverlast Claw Skinning Tool’s toothed gripping ends enable you to skin your growling game as easily as you’d carve your Thanksgiving turkey.
3. Hang ‘er Out to Dry
How many times have you cringed at the sight of your pet peeve pushing tiny animals around like she’s Queen Shit? Watching her bat a mouse around, gleefully tormenting it with her razor sharp duclaws, damn near made you vomit on your own feet.
Fuck it, now it’s your turn! Get your hands on a portable tripod game hanger from Guide Gear and slap her around a little. Let her get good and dizzy before you dig in with your new tools.
4. Get Tactical
With Outdoor Edge’s 12-piece game processing kit, you’ll feel like you belong to the Elite Hunting Club. And what better way to pay her back for fucking up your Air Jordans with her fat hairballs than to tie her to a chair and make her watch as you carefully select a gut hook from your dynamite satchel of pain.
5. The John Rambo Special
If you’re not into the torture porn of the gut hook, which carefully avoids the beast’s stomach, then you can take a cue from ole Sly Stallone and go in for a quick kill with a heat-treated, shaving-sharp serrated blade (also included in your Outdoor Edge game processing kit).
We all know cats fancy themselves some kind of gods, just like those Burmese pigs that Rambo slaughtered back in 2008. Put yours in her place and show her that pain is her only god.
6. Throw Her a Bone
A Wild-Bone will not only skin your lil purring princess, it will also debone her in seconds flat! The rubberized non-slip grip will ensure that you get a clean cut of your ball of fluff even as her blood pours down your forearm. You can’t beat good ergonomics.
7. The John Kramer Route
If you’re feeling particularly creative, you can always go the John “Jigsaw” Kramer route. The tool’s in the name; snatch up a sawzall from DEWALT and slice that sucker clean in half. She’s always got her nose in her asshole anyway, why not introduce them to each other proper?
8. Skinner-Caper Combo
Life is a circus, so treat it as such. Use your zip ties to pin your precious friend to a wheel and then practice your knife throwing skills. If you miss it won’t matter because these babies have superior edge retention for breaking down creatures as big as your BBW mother-in-law.
9. The Steve Buscemi
If there’s one thing that veteran character actor Steve Buscemi is known for, it’s his big blue eyes. If there are two things that veteran character actor Steve Buscemi is known for, it’s his jacked up teeth. If there are three things veteran character actor Steve Buscemi is known for, it’s his star turn in HBO’s Boardwalk Empire.
But if there are four things that Buscemi is known for, it’s the time that he was heaved face first into a wood chipper at the ass end of the Coen Brothers’ seminal movie Fargo. If you love your little Tiger so much, give it the movie star sendoff it deserves by ushering it into an Earthwise 15- amp garden chipper. The handy collection bin will save you from having to clean up the red carpet.
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