How to Be an Extraordinarily Horrible Parent This Thanksgiving

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By J.L. Mayne

In my family, thanksgiving means going and eating a bunch of food around family members you see once or twice a year. The food is pretty good, as is the family. The turkey may be a little dry and some of my relatives might start shouting at a kid or two for some ridiculous antic the child decides is more fun than staring at a wall.

This holiday season, why not change it up a bit. In place of being holly-jolly, try out one of these Thanksgiving ideas to make the season that much more special.

1. Summon Cthulhu

Everyone needs some holiday cheer including the Great Old One from R’lyeh. Why not grab a few of your cultist friends and conjure up an old fashioned end of the world party! He may not even eat your family if you’re the one to do the summoning. Hit me up if you need an instruction manual.

2. Sacrifice your kids

Let’s face it, some kids suck. They take after their parents, and maybe you’re one of those parents that should have kept it in their pants. If you need a break, you could always sacrifice the little devils. Maybe it’ll help with #1 on our list.

3. Give your children a bleach enema

Sadly, this one happens more often than some of the others mentioned. Parents seem to think this will help cure autism…Yep. Whether it’s an enema or you just get them to drink it, try this out if you are feeling like a particularly large douche.

4. Take your family to Westworld

Or Jurassic Park, or any other psychotic park created by the mind of Michael Crichton. They’ll love it for the first hour or until things start eating and/or maiming them. Dinosaurs, gunslingers, tigers, take your pick. The family eaten together stays together.

5. Tell your kids there really is a monster under their bed

I’m not sure who would be heartless enough to do this. My own kids rarely have nightmares because I’m scarier than any monster they could ever imagine, but other kids legitimately think the boogeyman is hiding under their beds, waiting to chew on their feet. Not only will this cause turmoil for the kids, but it’ll make you lose sleep as well, unless you just don’t care and let them cry it out. That’s always an option.

6. Teach your kids to use fire as a coping mechanism

Don’t like the grade you got on the math final? Burn the school down. Cat pee on your favorite shirt? Light it on fire. Peed the bed? It’s okay, Timmy; the problem is gone now.

7. Start an underground child fight club

It’s like a cock fight or a dog fight but with kids. This might seem like a good idea at the time; maybe the kids are being stupid and just need to get their anger out, maybe you need a little cash and think it’ll be a good way to get some from your neighbors.

Your kid might be a giant and, therefore, guaranteed to win in the monthly battle, but it still isn’t the best idea. Try selling that crap you never use instead. Or sell your children, that works too.

8. Lock the kids in the basement

The world is a scary place. Lots of people are convinced that it’s going to end tomorrow, the next day, or even today. If you want to protect your kids, maybe the best option is to lock them in the basement. Maybe use some chains for extra protection. Wouldn’t want them experiencing life or growing into productive members of society.

9. Reuse their gifts

If you’re tight on funds for that new watch or your scrapbook addiction, take back some gifts you bought the kids. Then, on their next birthday, or at Christmas, give them back! You may even be able to convince them it’s a new gift despite the stains and broken pieces.

10. Convince them to grow up to be just like you

Despite how great you think you are, you could be better. Hopefully your kids don’t have that same addiction you do. But if your goal is to immortalize yourself through your kids, do this! Be sure to include your weird relationship with your parents in the training regime.

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