By Trebor Elliverf
The dating pool has really thinned out in the last year, especially for those of you who are still in high school. If you’re a cis-gender female who’s looking to bring home the crown, it can be slim pickins.
That’s why we would recommend that you sponsor Nikolas Cruz for Prom King. I know what you’re thinking, it’s a controversial idea and it may just put you on a few watch lists. But just think of the attention!
You’ll be the belle of the bloody ball with this pew pew cutie on your arm.
You want a date who’s dependable, right?
Well, we all know that Niky is nothing if not punctual. In fact, he’ll show up 36 minutes before you’re set to leave so your parents can get a shot of you and your new stud.
Going with Nikolas is a guaranteed ticket to the gun show.
Look at those biceps! Someone’s been pumping iron in the yard.
Don’t you want to date a true patriot? Sure, he may seem like a troubled soul, but he isn’t confused. Nik understands the importance of America’s electoral process and has done his part as an American by registering to vote.
Consider all the perks:
You’ll be first in line at the punch bowl…and probably last. Chances are more than good that that punch will pack a punch too!
When you’re rollin’ with Lil Niky, you can be sure that you won’t have to deal with crowds.
You’re a shoe-in for that tiara, girl!
Maybe your bestie’s date has some good weed, but he ain’t no Justin Bieber. Just look at how sweet and dreamy Niky looks.
Even if you have to bring the prom to him, it’ll be well worth it for the selfies.
If ever you have a doubt about being crowned prom queen, you can rest assured that you’ve got it in the bag with this ladykiller. Let’s just say that the competition has been taken care of.
Your chastity will assuredly remain intact.
In case you were worried that your prom night was gonna end with you sobbing over your compromised hymen, fear not! Nik is an Incel and as such, he is used to not getting laid. Indeed, sex never crossed his mind; he’d much rather spend quality time teaching you how to clean the barrel of an AK-47.
With this straight shooter, it’s eternal salvation or your money back.
The Bible tells us that premarital sex is a sin, but you won’t have to worry about that. Nikolas will be sure to send you to the Lord as a pure soul.
Your prom night is special and you deserve for people to remember it. Remember, you’re totes worth it! Niky will make it unforgettable for you and your family. Roll out your red sash and run, don’t walk, into Nik’s arms…or else.
Like, share or condemn this post, otherwise we’ll tell Lil Niky where you live.
–Featured image by Justin A. Burnett