By Bob Freville
After taking his second Mulligan on the third tee at Mar-a-lago, Oberbefehlshaber Donald Trump broke from the game to sign legislation that would repeal black Americans’ right to speak.
It was a hotly debated subject during his flurry of midterm rallies, but the landmark statute is now a reality, one that all of us will have to live with. Well…almost all of us. The President was quick to include an amendment which holds rappers like Kanye West and “sad little mutes” like Ben Carson exempt from the law.
After scribbling what appeared to be a crude drawing of tall grass above the word signature, 45 made his way off the green and commandeered a golf cart, which he then used to run over a litter of stray kittens before arriving at one of his surprise last-minute press conferences.
Journalists from top shelf new sources such as Info Wars, The Daily Examiner, Sunday Sport and Hustler scrambled into the clubhouse to get the latest scoop. A gentleman from Big Snatch Gazette was particularly eager to ask about Friday’s Nazi Youth Rally in Prichard, Alabama, an event attended by Vice President Mike Pence.
The usually mealy-mouthed Veep was spotted acting uncharacteristically manic at the rally. At one point he took to the stage, grabbing the microphone from a burly man with a swastika carved into his forehead, and breaking into a freestyle rap.
“Y’all is the best white boys I ever seen/You make this country great when you’re bein’ mean/I don’t give a shit if you’re poor and dumb/Because you vote like you fuck, with a head full of cum.”
He continued: “Any hater of the gays is a friend of mine/Let’s hear it for the trolls just one more time.”
As the crowd gazed on, mouths agape, Pence wrapped up this unexpected performance with the lines, “I’m here to give you hilljacks some absolution/Cuz Nationalist patriotism’s the Final Solution.”
Pence’s remarks were greeted with no small measure of outrage from media outlets and the public at large. One Klansman from the city of Jasper said, “The Vice President does not speak for me and my kin. We are frankly appalled by Mr. Pence’s hate speech and wish to separate ourselves from his remarks. It’s guys like him that make separatism necessary. Really, who wants to be around that?”
In a bitterly ironic twist, the white liberal press have been caught embracing the impromptu jingle. In revealing YouTube videos they can be seen humming along to the Veep’s verses, and some have been shaking their asses to it as well. One reporter from HuffPost even coined a name for the newly minted dance move—”Pence Arrest”—which describes the gyrating gesture of putting one’s wrists together repeatedly as if undergoing a series of incarcerations.
In the wake of this controversy, it was to be expected that reporters would question the Commander-in-Chief about his number two’s behavior. But nobody could have predicted his response, especially not 45 who has taken to swallowing his own face before fielding questions.
“What do you think I think?” the President asked. “That’s ramorical, that’s a ramorical question. Of course you know what I think! I think he’s the sickest rapper since Yeezy. He’s got the illest bars, the illest bars. He’s got the illest bars probably of any American politician ever.
“It’s music to my ears and should replace the National Anthem. Wouldn’t it make an amazing National Anthem? ‘cause I won’t lie, I can’t lie, I’ve never lied in my life. I mean, really, you know it, I know it. The National Anthem is a piece of garbage, it’s old and it’s a shithole.
“Emcee Mikey Mike could make the best National Anthem there ever was. Period. Point blank. Zippity doo da! You’ve been owned!”
The President went on to talk about how he plans to bring Kid Rock in to remix our nation’s anthem so that it will have the necessary “good ole American vibe. I stress that word, American. We need to put that Southern Rock American flavor back into hip hop and back into our salute to the American flag.”
After the press conference, which concluded with 45 hurling Tampons at female journalists for asking about foreign policy, the President returned to the green to finish out his busy day. But one bright cub reporter from Horn News was granted a final question.
“What’s your favorite thing about golf?”
“That’s a really great and important question,” 45 said. “It’s gotta be the Calcutta, it’s the best thing, the best thing ever. It’s an auction where people bid on the players. It really reminds me of my family’s roots. Takes me right back.”
Like and share this post to earn mad props, and up your street cred.