How to Satisfy Readers

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by Trebor Elliverf

In recent weeks, the Motorist has received an alarming number of letters from our readers, each of them outlining a different grievance they had with our content. In one such missive, a 63-year old single mother named Beverly S. laments the use of vulgarity in our articles.

Beverly writes, “I visited your webpage because my son had it open on his MaxiPad and I was frankly appalled by what I saw. The staggering number of typos and run-on sentences was bad enough, but your use of words like the C word and the F word threw me for a loop.

“I simply cannot understand why you young people insist on cussing when you could be making a point about the state of the world.”

As firm believers that the Cunt is, indeed, always right, we are always quick as Fuck to respond to such a letter. Understanding Beverly’s gripe made it clear that we needed to nudge her in the right direction. So we sent her son an email which pointed her to a piece that we hope makes the kind of point about the state of the world that she was hoping we would.

We have yet to hear back from Bev, but others have sounded a similar clarion call about our recent content with one reader writing in to chastise us for “making light of a school shooting” by running our prom post about Nikolas Cruz.

When we politely explained to said reader that the piece in question was making fun of school shooters and not school shootings we received a death threat in response. It was then that we fully grasped how serious this person was about murder, which is why we tried to keep him satisfied by sending him a coupon code good towards a brand-spanking new bump stock.

Sadly, this reader was still not satisfied…at least his additional threats of bodily harm suggested as much. This kind of outpouring of disappointment troubles us as we pride ourselves on giving the readers what they want.

With that in mind, we have implemented a new protocol that should keep everyone happy, regardless of their personal tastes, sense of humor (or lack thereof) or political beliefs. We call this protocol the Placate Readers, Idiots, Cunts and Killers system or PRICK, for short.

This is how we plan to satisfy our reads. This is how the PRICK works:

PLACATE

Treat everyone like a child. For those of us who didn’t come from broken homes, childhood was a time of warmth, compassion, understanding and support. Our mothers kept us nestled in their bosom, cradling us gently as we nursed their lactating nipples. Our fathers brought home the bacon, chewed it up into a fine paste and spat it into our mouths so that we would never have to bear the burden of learning how to chew.

Our readers demand the same and they damn sure should get it! That’s why we will be installing a filtration app on our homepage with facial recognition technology. In this way, all readers can enjoy the site without scarring their eyes and sensibilities by perusing something that was too harsh for them. No longer will their soft heads be racked with spasms of anger at something they do not agree with. Instead, the Motorist will be a safe space for hive minds of all stripes.

RECYCLE

Most human beings are stubbornly resistant to change, we like things to remain the same. Change suggests disorder or disruption which puts many of us on edge. It is safe to say that Change would be a trigger word, were it not for the simple fact that it was used in Barack Obama’s campaign slogan in 2008.

As anyone with access to a television or computer can tell you, change seems to be a constant. The 24-hour news cycle illustrates this more than anything else. No doubt, some of our readers have been gobsmacked when we alluded to things like AI technology or Transpeople. These individuals don’t want to live in a time where the robots and the he-shes are gonna take over and plot world domination.

To remedy this problem we have alighted on the idea of fundamental renewal. In order to sustain Silent Motorist Media for one and all, we will routinely plagiarize ourselves around every corner. This is something we have already begun to do by introducing follow-up installments to previous articles.

For now on, if you see something new on this site then you will know that we have been hacked by gender fluid humanoid hovercraft machines with lizard eyes. If that appears to be the case, we urge you to STOP READING and AVOID THIS WEBSITE AT ALL COSTS!! The future of the bloodline is in your hands.

INSULATE

You may be thinking that our masthead is a mere coincidence, that our staff is just a sausage fest because nobody else wanted the job. How foolish of you to think that this wasn’t a calculated maneuver on our part. Here at the Motorist, we value isolationism and gender separatism because we understand it to be the only way to insulate ourselves and our readers from the cruel brutes at the gates.

You know who I’m talking about, the Other people. They. The ones that would have us all turn the frogs gay and make ourselves retarded by brushing our teeth with fluoridated toothpaste. These are the same mongrel scourges who would have you read something that you didn’t entirely align yourself with already.

Make no mistake, the Motorist has no place for women or children or queers or blacks or Chinese or half-breeds or little people or Menonites. If they don’t believe what you believe, then they don’t believe what we believe…because we believe whatever you believe. Believe me!

In an effort to ensure that we remain insulated from fringe perspectives and dangerous outlaw dogma, we have decided to build a complex firewall around this website designed to keep the savages at bay. If the Enemy attempts to gain purchase to this website and poison your precious mind with impure thoughts, they will be immediately redirected to Info Wars and/or Netflix’s Fuller House.

CLEAN

There is no better way to keep your mind from being muddied than to constantly clean things up. To this end, we are planning to spend $4.5 trillion in government grants on a dedicated team of fixers who will regularly scrub this site free of any troubling material.

As former-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher once famously said, “I am extraordinarily patient, provided you peasants clean my cunt at once! And if I cannot see my reflection in its lips it is off with your heads!”

Yes, cleanliness is next to godliness, which is why God is a woman and Ariana Grande looks like she was dipped in wax at a doll factory. The cleaner you are, the better person you are.

KILL! KILL! KILL!

Don’t look at me that way! You must realize by now that killing is the only thing we all have in common. Killing animals, killing the environment, killing ourselves at back-breaking jobs, killing time until our inevitable demise. Killing is what it’s all about.

I don’t care if you’re a vegan or Ted fucking Nugent, we’ve all got blood on our hands and some of us like it. The texture, the taste, the sense of it clinging to our skin and our olfactory nerves. If we can do one thing to keep all of our readers happy, it’s killing for your enjoyment.

This is our commitment to write at least one hatchet piece about someone you thoroughly revile every single week for the rest of all time. If we don’t keep up our end of the bargain, we will happily kill ourselves.

Should this protocol fail, we know other ways to satisfy you as well. They don’t call me the Raspberry Goatee for nothing. ; )

Like and share this post or we’ll kill your dog and poke your dad.

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